Bill's posts with tag: humour
 I read in one of Carl Sagan's books about a certain episode in 19th Century England. Beekeepers suddenly had a massive drop in their honey collections. So major was this problem that they finally got together and called in a biologist, a man called Charles Darwin (maybe some of you may vaguely recall having heard of him).
This Darwin studied the situation and told the beekeepers that to remedy the situation they must...get more cats.
The 'keepers, fortunately, had the faith in science to accept this bizarre suggestion and acquired cats in greater numbers, after which the honey yield went right back up again.
Here's how it worked. The bees fed primarily on the nectar of clover growing in the fields. A population of field mice also ate the clover. Now the field mice were going through a population explosion and gobbling up all the clover. Result - no nectar left over for the bees.
Now, imagine this happened in India, now, today. Let's see the likely scenario:
1. Honey yields fall drastically.
2. Beekeepers get together and hold a special prayer to the honey gods, and sacrifice a barrel of honey to him/her. TV cameras and the print media are invited to watch.
3. Local politicians claim that this is because of the "stepmotherly attitude" of the Central government towards the beekeepers. They demand adequate compensation.
4. Beekeepers call a strike and attack government offices. A far-right wing organisation adopts the agitation as its own and says that the beekeepers' problems are caused by those speaking other languages or professing other beliefs.
5. A nationally famous Feng Shui expert advises the beekeepers to arrange their beehives in particular patterns and to arrange for flowing water in the east of their apiaries, while any tree that grows in the south-western corner must be removed. An astrologer asks the beekeepers to add extra vowels to their names.
6. The Prime Minister visits the beekeepers and makes a speech about the Unclear Deal and 10% growth rate.
7. India wins a minor cricket match. The media go ape.
8. As a "temporary relief measure," the government decides to purchase honey from abroad at three times the price it is willing to pay local beekeepers. Major economists strongly support this decision.
9. A beekeeper commits suicide. The media shows some mild interest.
10. A major, overhyped Bollywood film is released. The media have nothing else to talk about.
11. The rats outrun their food supply and their population levels fall. As time goes by the honey yield picks up.
12. The astrologer and the Feng Shui expert fall over themselves taking credit, but whine that nobody listens.
 These days I sleep very little, and when I do, I generally have long, complicated, and multi-themed dreams, most of which vanish from my memory on waking.
A bit of last night's (or, to be precise, this morning's) dream stuck in my mind, though.
You've heard of the favela tours some Rio de Janeiro tour groups promote? Well, it was something like that.
Those of you who are Indian will know this; those who aren't will probably have heard of this: the Great Indian Habit of urinating in public, behind every tree and against every wall.
So in my dream there was this group of European tourists (assorted ages and of both sexes, but mostly young and male) who were being taken on a Pissing Tour of Indian cities. Yes, you got that right - a pissing tour of Indian cities, where they got to line up behind trees and pee in public against grey concrete walls. They looked pretty enthusiastic doing it too, queuing up for their turn. Liberated.
Well: tourists pay big money to visit foreign beaches and walk around almost naked, while the locals walk around those same beaches almost naked also. But the locals do it because they don't have and can't afford the clothes the tourists pay to take off, and tour groups make a living from slumming tourists, so why not a Pissing Tour, huh? While in Rome do as the Romans do, etc., and Profit is King.
I'm offering my idea, gratis, to any tour group that might be interested.
June 19, 2000 hours: BREAKING NEWS: US President denies attack on Iran imminent. June 20, 0130 hours BREAKING NEWS: Mysterious aircraft seen on radar over New York. F16 fighters scrambled. JUST IN: Mysterious light seen over Coney Island, reported to be UFO. USAF General: ”Pilots told to intercept UFO, to shoot it down if it fails to obey orders.” Residents alerted. Threat warning level raised to puce by Homeland Security. 0215 hours BREAKING NEWS: Mysterious UFO reportedly shot down by USAF fighters. Search on for wreckage. 0240 hours. JUST IN: Wreckage discovered. UFO reported almost undamaged. Pilot arrested, to be interrogated. 0500 hours BREAKING NEWS: Pilot, under interrogation, claims to be Jesus Christ. “We didn’t torture him,” claims CIA. Asked about eyewitness accounts, to the contrary, “Waterboarding isn’t torture,” CIA asserts. JUST IN: Government confiscates UFO wreckage. To be turned over to labs for weapon research. Federal Aviation Agency to press suit against Christ for piloting aircraft without valid pilot’s licence. 0750 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Christ released pending investigation. Huge crowds gather as news spreads. “I want breakfast and a place to sleep,” Christ says. Motels refuse him entrance because of crowds. Question: WHY DOES CHRIST LOOK LIKE AN ARAB? IS HE A TERRORIST? Send in your views by text message to 56388. 0755 hours JUST IN: Reports of first miracles. Christ heals alleged sufferer of full blown AIDS. Woman claims high blood pressure cured by touching Christ’s flight suit. 0930 hours BREAKING NEWS: More miracles reported. Many sick healed. Bald man grows full head of hair. Pharmaceutical stocks crash. Spokesman for Pharma industry says plans are afoot to sue Christ for violation of intellectual property rights. American Medical Association says will take legal action against him for practicing without licence. 1030 hours: JUST IN: Christ collapses from hunger and exhaustion on park bench. Arrested for vagrancy. May be deported as foreigner. 1200 noon. BREAKING NEWS: Christ released without charge. John McCain seeks his endorsement for Presidential campaign, says the Republican Party is God’s Own party. Christ issues statement to media: Condemns Iraq invasion. Refuses to endorse McCain or Republicans. Dems delighted. JUST IN: McCain calls Christ a closet terrorist, demands arrest and rendition to Guantanamo. 1400 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Christ at huge impromptu press conference: condemns Left Behind series. Claims to be man of peace. Left Behind publishers call him a wimp. Reports from Vatican: Pope wants Christ to personally endorse policies. 1425 hours: BREAKING NEWS: At mass press conference, Christ condemns Vatican’s policies on homosexuality and celibacy, says sex was given us to be enjoyed, not suppressed. Refuses to answer questions on sexuality. IS CHRIST GAY? Send in your views by text message to 56388. Christ condemns churches for collecting money as commercial business, says all pastors and priests have sinned. Says churches have been turned into markets and need cleaning. JUST IN: Reverend Dollar says “Christ is out of touch with modern day realities.” 1830 hours: BREAKING NEWS: At end of mass press conference, Christ announces plans of travelling to Asia and Africa. Pope denies rumours of planning excommunication of Christ. Vatican says there is no truth to reports that expert hitman was hired to kill Christ. 2000 hours. JUST IN: Christ begs money for food and flight to Lagos, Nigeria. Passport waived for the journey. Promises to return to America to face lawsuits. President Mugabe of Zimbabwe declares him persona non grata. President Menes Zelawi of Ethiopia says Christ will be fired on if he enters Ethiopian territory. June 21, 0430 hours. BREAKING NEWS: Christ reaches Lagos, decides to walk the streets. Promptly mugged. Robbed of silver crucifix and beaten. Police not hopeful of cracking case. “It happens every day,” they say. JUST IN: Christ to fly to Jerusalem later today. 0945-1345 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Osama bin Laden releases new video, denounces Christ. Anti-Christ demonstrations break out in Lahore, Pakistan. India reportedly ready to invite Christ. Spokesman denies that invite is conditional to Christ’s endorsing the Nuclear Deal signed by the Manmohan Singh government with the United States. The Hindu-nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party calls Christ’s appearance a Christian ploy to convert Hindus, burns effigies of Christ in several cities. JUST IN: Reported worldwide disquiet at Christ’s “disruptive influence”. Should Christ be imprisoned or ordered to leave? Send your comments by text message to 56388. 1500 hours. BREAKING NEWS: Christ arrives in Jerusalem. In interview to Isaeli media, says will leave for the Gaza strip right away. Says will pray for the welfare of Palestinians. Israeli Prime Minister calls Christ anti-Semitic, says will be stopped from entering Gaza. Hamas calls Christ visit “Zionist ploy.” Says will not have anything to do with him. 2000 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Christ blocked from Gaza, decides to visit West Bank instead. Breaches Security Wall, welcomed by combined group of Palestinian and Jewish peace activists. Israeli Prime Minister demands that Christ stop all “pro-terrorist” activities or he shall be deported. JUST IN: Christ surrounded along with followers just inside West Bank. US President says will “understand” if Israel takes action against him. Reportedly gives Israel “amber light” to arrest Christ. 2300 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Jesus Christ arrested by Israeli authorities, brought to Jerusalem. Reports that Israeli army shot hundreds of Jewish and Arab peace activists as yet unconfirmed. 2400 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Christ put on plane to New York. May be arrested on arrival, Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security hints. World leaders reportedly concerned about impact of Christ visit. Fears that mass uprisings may break out. June 22, 1100 hours: BREAKING NEWS: Christ arrives at New York, at once mobbed by crowd looking for miracles. CHRIST ANNOUNCES “I QUIT!” Says will no longer be Messiah. Says has had enough. Was Jesus Christ justified in quitting? Send in your views by text message to 56388. JUST IN: Crowd turns violent, grabs Christ. Security detail makes no move to intervene. 1230 hours: BREAKING NEWS: JESUS CHRIST CRUCIFIED IN CENTRAL PARK. 1330 hours: CHRIST CONFIRMED DEAD ON THE CROSS. “He was a evildoer,” US President Bush says. “That means he was doing evil, and that means they were right to crux…cruss…string him up.” Vatican refuses to condemn crucifixion. Mass celebrations in various parts of the world. “Our faith is reinforced,” proclaims Philippines President Gloria Macpagal-Arroyo. June 23, 0900 hours: BREAKING NEWS: No plans yet to launch major bombing campaign on Iran, President Bush says, but adds all options on the table. “Ah-muddy-ne-jad must suffer the consequences of sending that there Christ to cause trouble,” Bush says.
 Oh citizens of India brave, hearken unto me
Vast is the danger that wants us not-free. It is called, cross my heart hope to die That nefarious, scheming, Pakistani ISI. You’ve heard about it all your lives, I know And the horrors daily more terrible grow Bomb blasts are passé, terrorists all trite The ISI has other ways to carry on the fight. Remember that traffic jam that made you lose your flight? It was because the ISI sabotaged the traffic light And the plane that got an engine snag, didn’t fly? Some wires were cut, courtesy ISI. When drought strikes because there’s no rain It’s the ISI at its work again. And when debts mount so farmers poison drink It’s the ISI that’s raising a stink. Factories proud symbols of Indian economic might? You can bet the ISI hates the sight So they sneak in child workers, isn’t it a shame What foul play characterises the ISI’s game. Turn on the TV, there’s nothing really on Except soap operas that never seem gone Brain dead characters play endless roles Better believe it, they’re all ISI moles. Rising prices, no money in the banks? ‘Tis the ISI that should get your thanks Economy tanking, no take home pay? The ISI’s happy at ruining your day. Riot and burning, mayhem in the street Civil society in rout and retreat Stress and tension make your head spin? The ISI celebrates somewhere with a grin. Rats in Mizoram state ate all the rice? The ISI’s been meddling with the birthrates of mice. Wells been shrinking and lakes all ran dry? Who d’you think did it all? Why, ISI. Servant in Delhi killed old man and wife? It’s the ISI promoting civil strife. Corrupt cops refuse the poor all aid It’s another gamble the ISI made. Floods in Mumbai, fascists on the march? It all happens on the ISI’s watch. Crime in Calcutta, crooks in Chennai? Due to your friendly neighbourhood ISI. Yes the politicians steal, but do you know why? It’s because they were paid by the ISI. Stock market crashes courtesy ISI And it makes all the journalists lie. Maoist rebels and weightlifters on dope Poacher film actors, other things we can’t cope Trains run late, while forests disappear? It’s all ‘cause the ISI’s been here. Beware brothers, check on your child The ISI’s planned to drive him all wild They’ll hook him on music and turn him on fun Before you know it the harm’s all been done. Laugh not brothers, I warn you so true The ISI is out to get all of you. Look under your bed, look up at the sky Everywhere, everywhen, lurks the damned ISI.
 I am an Ancient Astronaut.
You can call me An As. I came to this planet a long, long time ago to teach some apes how to make fire. They attacked me with stone axes. They grunted that they wanted fresh meat.I did not want to become fresh meat. I went away and came back again.I guess they discovered fire on their own - eventually. This time I tried to teach some people who lived on a river bank to build towers from which they might see their enemies coming. The silly idiots went and built pyramidal tombs for their kings. If I could cry, I would have. Next try, a chunk of the planet away, was to ask some others to put up a little hut for me to live in. I don’t know what was wrong with those people – instead of a hut, they just began building a wall, and built it, and built it, and built it till I quit. I know when I’m beat. I thought then, I needed a place I could use as a landing strip when I come to visit this damn planet, since it was getting mighty inconvenient coming down in the middle of the Sahara, or splashing down in midocean. I did try and explain that to a people in one part of the planet who seemed intelligent. They seemed to understand and began marking out a landing strip. Then they marked out giant hummingbirds and dogs and so on. You tell me how the hell I'm supposed to land on a hummingbird, huh?
After that I visited a small island way over in the middle of the ocean. I told those people there to set up posts to watch the water levels so they could warn of tsunamis and especially high tides and good fishing and the like. What did they go and do instead? The idiots built a series of stone idols looking out to sea. Stone for brains.
OK, but I’m As An. I took a long break, but then I came back. I wanted to help. So I helped. I thought, OK, these apes can’t be helped to build. So I’ll help them to do other things. Fine. I saw a guy try and convert the world, so I told him that he was only a man. He thought I was god telling him he was The Man. And it happened again, and again, and again. I’m going to steer clear of Jewish carpenters, Arab merchants, Austrian corporals and WASP chicken hawks in future. If I can.
“Tell me a story, mother Put me sweet to sleep Tell me a story, mother That in memory I can keep. “Tell me a nice tale, mother,” Said the child and, sleepy, smiled “Tell me something light and happy With an ending soft and mild.” The mother smiled and sat back Clasped her hands round her knee “I’ll tell you something then That I once happened to see. “There was a man, brave and tall A woman pretty as can be They lived in a pretty house On a beach above the sea. “One day they found a map Of parchment yellow and old That said below a certain rock Lay a treasure of jewels and gold. “The man and woman on a treasure hunt Went brave and boldly forth And dreamt of the treasure Of the fortune it was worth. “The rock was in a distant land Of ravines and cliffs so high That you have to tilt your head right back If once you want to see the sky. “There lived a monster, big and mean And his wife meaner yet Out hunting for meat and drink Suddenly our man and wife they met. “The man was big and strong And brave as brave can be Neither he nor his beauteous bride Made any move to flee. “He took his sword and she took her knife And back at the monsters fought For they would let no monster evil Block them from the gold they sought. “But the male monster reached out his hand And off the hero’s head he tore While the female with her claws ensured The woman felt nothing more. “They cooked the couple on a fire Lit by the parchment old So no man now knows where lies All that mass of gold. “They basted the man till his flesh Fell tender off the bone And they with relish ate The lights and liver of the crone. “It was a feast to remember,” The mother monster told her child Who fell smiling into sleep Into dreams fun and wild. 
 If the heart surgeon is so hearty
Is his live in girlfriend lively then?
The ophthalmologist is so handsome, true
Got an eyeful of him, did you?
Why is the urologist pissed off, to know I want
Because the gynaecologist is a cunt?
The dermatologist's a skinflint, I know
The bookmaker's a bookworm, highbrow
If the barber's hairy, then
Does the penitent wield a pen?
When the soldier soldiers on
Is the go-go dancer quite gone?
And is the cobbler man footloose
Only because he soles your shoes?
Pardon the puns, but I spent my free time yesterday venting my spleen on pat phrases, aphorisms and proverbs. I'm sure you will, without having to be told, recognise the originals I've slaughtered here...
A hungry cannibal decided to convert his male child into a cake. He mixed the kid’s flesh with batter and commercially available Saccharomyces powder and put it on to bake. In the oven, the cake swelled most satisfactorily. This was no surprise since, as everyone knows, the son rises in the yeast. Jill was playing with her friends and tore her new dress. Her mother, most upset, handed her a needle and thread and told her to mend it herself. “You tore it, you stitch it,” she said. Poor Jill learned a valuable lesson: as you rip, so shall you sew. Juan was in bed with his boss’ wife when the boss returned home unexpectedly, and, catching them together, shot Juan. The boss, a keen but average golfer, thus fulfilled a lifetime ambition: he made, at last, a hole in Juan. Mike kidnapped Ann and tried to make a getaway by balloon. But Ann punctured the balloon with a drawing tack, forcing Mike to descend and showing the entire world that the pin is mightier than the soared. Mr Rudd was so unpleasant that everyone called him Awful. He and his wife, Marnie, most unexpectedly received invitations to a birthday bash and readily accepted. Awful and his Marnie R soon partied. Mary was so plain she despaired of ever finding a man and so decided to join a convent. At the last moment, though, one of her friends advised her to treat her face with a leaf of Aloe vera split into two. This worked such wonders for her skin that she found a boyfriend almost at once, proving again that half Aloe is better than nun. The animals had a big wine party. All attended except the otter, who was a recluse. The kind-hearted animals didn’t want him to miss out on the party, so – since they lacked bottles – they attached a pipe to the barrel of wine and pulled the other end all the way to the otter’s home. Once there, though, the otter refused to touch a drop, claiming to be a teetotaller. The other animals therefore realised that you can take a hose to the otter but you cannot make him drink. Dave came home from the golf course breathing heavily. Asked by his wife why, he said falsely that he had been hitting the ball so hard he had knocked it into the receptacle on each first or second stroke. His wife wasn’t impressed because huff the truth is a hole lie. Abu Hassan is a con man who finds his prey among the top-level business class, whom he attracts by throwing parties where champagne and delicacies like the finest sturgeon’s eggs are provided. Although he is personable and hospitable, you should never judge Abu by his caviar. A cattle herder at a ranch ran into such financial problems he accumulated all of a thousand debts. His friend, a Native American warrior, also ran into debt –just one, though. Both men decided to work off their debts by colouring cloth in the local textile factory. The cowherd dyes a thousand debts, the brave dyes but one. An experiment to bring three famous poets from the dead went disastrously wrong. Although Homer materialised onstage in the middle of a Scorpions concert, Shakespeare and Goethe actually emerged from the past inside the body of the President of the United States. One should not be disheartened since a bard in the band is worth two in the Bush. Harry had body art of a naked woman on his arm. His new wife ordered him to get rid of the “dirty” piece of artwork, but he understandably refused. Sometimes a man’s got tattooed what a man’s got tattooed. My dad, whom I call Da, hates helicopters. Just about every day this winter, a helicopter flies low over this town, and my dad runs out into the snowy street, shaking his fists at it and swearing. He finally comes back streaming with sweat despite the freezing cold. Yeah, the whirlybird gets Da warm. There was a peasant called Hatch whom the king decided to ennoble to the rank of Count in gratitude for services provided. However, the other nobles resented the elevation of a commoner to their ranks and suggested his bravery be tested first. Therefore the king asked Hatch to lead the cavalry charge in the next battle, but Hatch refused. The king should have known that one shouldn’t Count one’s Hatch before he chickens. Jack and Jill had such an acrimonious divorce that when the judge ordered the equal distribution of their properties between them, Jack took an electric saw and chopped their home in two. A large part of the house promptly collapsed, since a house divided against itself will not stand. A wine of ancient and precious vintage has only one drawback – it deposits great quantities of sediment. The wine is so famous that everyone is extremely careful with it: they all know better than to spill the booze that lays the olden dregs. A new barber in town attracted nine clients on his first day in business. This he did by getting his shrewish wife to serve them free alcohol. He made the news headlines, naturally: BITCH WITH WINE SHAVES NINE. X and Y were arguing about whose toddler was cleverer. Finally they decided on a test. Each child was handed a feather, something neither had ever seen before, to see what they did with it. X’s daughter wove hers into her hair and wore it as a decoration, but Y’s son simply stuck his up his nose. This mortified Y, but it shouldn’t have. He should have remembered that it’s Y’s child that nose his own feather.
"Red" Richardson was a man who seldom returned money he borrowed. One particular lender who suffered at his hands was Dan, who stopped lending him any more. Soon the word went out that Dan does not leave by Red a loan.
Link: http://www.scamorama.com/Remember those hilarious Nigerian e-mails? I still get at least one a month!
Here's a website which has assembled a whole bouquet of them for your edification.
 Today is Saturday the 14th, people.
Beware, therefore, of, among others:
Toothless vampires
Moonless werewolves
Disintegrated zombies
Vegan cannibals
Nonviolent terrorists
Gandhian murderers
Inaccurate snipers
Impotent rapists
Coitophobic nymphomaniacs
Unfunny clowns
and others of the like who would do you harm.
Don't say I did not warn you...
The President of the nation sat back in his chair and looked askance at his general. “You mean you haven’t yet found a solution?” he asked. The general shifted his uniform cap back on his head and wiped his sweating forehead. “Not so far, sir,” he answered. “That great black dragon just sits there across the main highway out of town, and eats whoever tries to go past it. So far we have bombed it from aeroplanes shelled it with artillery rocketed it from launchers and still it lies there like a log, with its mouth open, and gobbles up anything and anyone who tries to get past.” “I want,” said the President, “a solution found, within seventy two hours.” The general called his aide de camp. “The President wants our problem solved within forty eight hours,” he said. The adjutant went and did his best, and then he went to the scientists at the university and told them, “That great black dragon just sits there across the main highway out of town, and eats whoever tries to go past it. So far we have bombed it from aeroplanes shelled it with artillery rocketed it from launchers tried to burn it with flame throwers sent a full division of soldiers to charge it with fixed bayonets and still it lies there like a log, with its mouth open, and gobbles up anything and anyone who tries to get past.” The scientists did their best. And then the Chief Scientist went, shamefacedly, to the High Shaman of the National Temple and told him, “That great black dragon just sits there across the main highway out of town, and eats whoever tries to go past it. So far we have bombed it from aeroplanes shelled it with artillery rocketed it from launchers tried to burn it with flame throwers sent a full division of soldiers to charge it with fixed bayonets hosed it down with sulphuric acid bombarded it with ultrasonic vibrations tried to drop it into a wormhole into the fifteenth dimension and still it lies there like a log, with its mouth open, and gobbles up anything and anyone who tries to get past.” And the High Shaman of the National Temple came out into the street and wailed: “That great black dragon just sits there across the main highway out of town, and eats whoever tries to go past it. So far we have bombed it from aeroplanes shelled it with artillery rocketed it from launchers tried to burn it with flame throwers sent a full division of soldiers to charge it with fixed bayonets hosed it down with sulphuric acid bombarded it with ultrasonic vibrations tried to drop it into a wormhole into the fifteenth dimension prayed to it worshipped it asked god to intercede with it asked the devil to curse it sacrificed virgins to it until there are no more virgins left in the land and still it lies there like a log, with its mouth open, and gobbles up anything and anyone who tries to get past.” The people in the street heard and were silent, thinking who knows what thoughts. And there was a great fear in the land. But then Jack the blind beggar got up from his heap of rags in the corner, looked around him and said, “But there’s no problem here.” “Foolish man,” snarled the High Shaman, “hast thou not heard what I have just said? The president wants that dragon problem solved, yea, within twenty four hours.” “Why don’t you,” said Jack the blind beggar, looking wonderingly at all the frightened faces, “simply go round the dragon’s back end instead of past his face?” The High Shaman and the burghers heard but ignored him, because he was only Jack the beggar, and he was blind, as was known to all men. 
 Wish I were a Pharaoh
Or a centurion of Rome
Or an armoured knight perhaps
Returning from lost crusades home.
Wish I were an architect
Of Stonehenge in British lands
Wish I built the Taj
That beside silent Yamuna stands.
Wish I were Leonardo
Or Rembrandt's pupil, then
Wish I were Chingis Khan
Or one of Saladin's men
Wish I were a Union soldier
Who at Gettysburg fought
Wish I were an alchemist
Who gold from base metal sought.
Wish I were at Verdun
Or the Winter Palace stormed
Wish I were a Renaissance Man
Whose thoughts the modern world formed.
Wish I were so many things
All throughout history's book
But why should I want to be so?
Come here and take a look...
So many things I want to be
Warriors and artists - and one common thread
They have so many differences
But they're all safely DEAD.
 Collective nouns for the modern age (I actually composed these between specimens today, and saved them on my mobile phone):
An invasion of neocons A bombing of terrorists A mendacity of lawyers A corruption of politicians A sellout of journalists A greed of capitalists A stock of shareholders A superstition of priests A confusion of experts A mandate of psephologists An incision of surgeons A rant of bloggers A broth of cooks A pose of models A nudity of pornographers A sensation of newsreaders A jaywalk of pedestrians An accident of drivers An ego of actors An opinion of columnists An imperialism of Zionists A jihad of Islamists A suffering of Jews A genocide of Nazis A bombast of jingoists A bloodthirst of vampires A howling of werewolves A weirdness of hippies A spell of witches A fundamentalism of religions A pregnancy of mothers A chauvinism of Taliban An impatience of revolutionaries A hatred of fascists A pollution of industrialists A cruelty of psychopaths A nonsense of gurus A doubt of agnostics A flatulence of gourmands A berserk of Vikings A protocol of diplomats An uproar of panelists A scam of godmen An extortion of taxes An exaggeration of advertisers A filibuster of orators A rudeness of officials An arrogance of princelings. Any more suggestions?
Two men met in an office on the top of the world. They were the greatest men, arguably, of their time; millions rose from their beds with their names on their lips, hearts aglow; and millions more waited with bated breath for the day when they would receive the blessing of witnessing, once again, the duo’s creations. It would not be an exaggeration to claim that, though perhaps they did not rule empires, they ruled the hearts of the nations. They were alike in many ways; close friends, they both sported beards and had over the years grown to resemble each other; and they worked together, bringing their different skills to the table. “So, what shall we do next?” asked Gorge Look-ass. “I’ve been thinkin’ about that,” answered Stiff-‘em Spill-burg. “The last bit of the Intangible Bones franchise did pretty well, doncha know, the Crying Skulls thingie? Now I think we need to make another – while Carries-on Bored is still young enough to act.” “Yeah, you’re right,” said Look-ass. “But what shall we have in it?” “The same ol’ stuff, of course.” Spill-burg sounded exasperated. “You know the formula as well as I do. Bones and his bullshit-whip and something magic hidden in the Hell of Holes or some such godforsaken place. We’ll have car chases and Bored, I mean Bones, swinging on ropes and cobwebs and rolling stones…no, not those Rolling Stones…and we’ll have the bad guys greeding themselves to destruction. That’s understood. Our audience expects all that. They wouldn’t come to watch the movie unless all that wasn’t there. And, of course, snakes. We must have snakes.” “I know all that,” said Look-ass. “I know the franchise won’t run unless we put all that in. I mean the bad guys. Who shall we have as the bad guys? It’s the bad guys who make or break the movie.” “So who do we pick as the bad guys?” “Who do Americans love to hate most these days?” “Um…” said Spill-burg. “There’s so much choice. Arab terrorists? No, that’s been done and done. Iranians? Uh, maybe, yeah. We’ll keep that in hand for the moment, but people can’t really get worked up about Iranians unless we can get the media to co-operate, and after Iraq they might not. Commies?” “We did that last time. Once again might be too much.” “But those were Russian Commies. Chinks? North Koreans?” “Don’t you try it. You don’t dare piss off the Chinks these days, they own half this country, or have you forgotten? And as for the North Koreans, who really gives a damn about Kim and his gang?” “Huh, well, Sudanese in Darfur? How’s that?” “You flipped your lid, Stiff-‘em? Sudanese in Darfur chasin’ some kinda magic charm to help ‘em rule the world? You might as well cast Mickey Mouse as villain for all the cred you’ll get outta it.” “Hah, yeah. I know!!! Gas pumps!” “Eh?” “Gas pump workers will be the new villains. How’s that? Everyone hates gas prices, right? So we have these gas station workers who gang together and drive around in tankers to find a charm which gives ‘em control over all America’s gas supplies. Can ya beat that, or can ya?” “You got it. Yeah, I think you really got it. And what is that charm?” “Well, yeah, somethin’ like an image of an ancient astronaut or somethin’? Which comes to life when the bad guys tinker with it?” “Right! And then God sends a UFO to destroy the bad guys and set Bones and his girl free. You really got it this time. I can just see it, a UFO like the Millennium Falcon…Bored will fit right in the role, too.” “You’re the greatest in Jollywood, man. You know that, don’t you? I can just see the merchandising…the posters, T shirts, the toy UFOs, the bullshit-whips autographed by Bones…and what shall we call it?” “How about, er, Intangible Bones And The Heavenly Astronaut? Will that do?” ”If people were stupid enough to watch something called the Temple of Doom, why ever not?” “It’s lucky for us PT Barnum was right.” “Yeah – you can’t lose money overestimating the stupidity of the people, can ya, now?” 
 Part 1:
Stolen from swerver’s blog: BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra.#@&&^(C%.........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I don't know. I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. Part 2: Read on another version of this: PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER: To get to the other side. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossing the road is a metaphor for the white honky trampling on the black man. Part 3: By me: EHUD OLMERT: The chicken crossing the road was an existential threat to Israel and we were perfectly justified in dropping ten thousand tons of bombs on it.
MANMOHAN SINGH: Is the chicken crossing the road going to help us maintain the 10% growth rate? If the chicken does not want to sign the Nuclear Deal, it is welcome to withdraw support to my government.
BAL THACKERAY: If the chicken crosses the road to Mumbai, it must prove that it is a Marathi chicken. If it's not, it is not welcome, and we should immediately throw it out. THE DALAI LAMA: The chicken was forced to cross the road to escape being reduced to a minority in its own chicken run and its culture stamped out by ten billion ethnic Han Chinese immigrants. ADOLF HITLER: The Aryan Teutonic chicken crossed the road because of the international Jewish-Bolshevik conspiracy against it. LEON TROTSKY: To spread the worldwide Communist revolution! THE BHARATIYA JANATA PARTY: Is it a Hindu or a Muslim chicken? If it is a Hindu chicken, then it is a refugee from Islamic oppression of Hindus in Pakistan and Bangladesh and is welcome. If it is a Muslim chicken it is a Pakistani jihadi infiltrator and must be exterminated. MUHAMMAD ALI: Who cares why the chicken crossed the road? Look at me! I’m the most beautiful! I’m the champion! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Der chicken vill be back. SIGMUND FREUD: Because the chicken’s unconscious sexual feelings towards its mother impelled it to seek the other side of the road, the act of crossing which is a metaphor for returning to the eggshell. MULLAH OMAR: Allah will reward that Islamic chicken with 72 roosters in Paradise! I'll include more if I can think of something.
 Peace.
Hearken unto me, children. I am come unto thee with a message from Heaven, and with the power to bring you peace, if you only listen.
You see, children, the first fact of life is that none of us is truly happy. And why are we unhappy? Because we want things. We are never happy because when we do get anything we want, we always want more. And to achieve all this that we want we're willing to do anything we have to, commit mortal sins, just to get what will never give us peace - because then we will want more.
And so, children, how do we achieve peace? By not wanting. And how do we achieve the state of not wanting? Only by being so poor that we can have no desire but enough food to stay alive and a sort of shelter for the night. Any more is just feeding our ego, children. Think about it.
Therefore, children, if you would achieve happiness, get rid of everything you have. Naturally you are not happy at the prospect. You wonder what will happen to the wealth you acquired at the cost of so much hard work. Don't worry, it will be in good...make that excellent...hands.
Here's what you must do, children. Give me, yes, me, your guru, everything you have. I shall use it to heal the sick. I promise this. You will yourself see the deaf see, the blind walk and the lame hear.
And more, children, think of the spiritual benefits. I, your guru, will take on your sins, the sins you committed to acquire the property you give me, along with the said property. And then, cleansed of all sins, you can work in my fundraising foundation for free food and a bed in our special dormitory for the night.
Don't worry about me. I have special dispensation from God to collect this property from you, and its attendant sins, without suffering any temporal consequences.
Oh - while you're giving me the money, don't forget to include sworn affidavits saying the money and property is a gift to me, to satisfy the tax collector.
Peace be unto you, my children. And, yes, you can now worship me.
Y'all soldier boys and girls, hello there.
I, uh, have been, ya know, been thinkin', and it seems to me that it makes a man feel mighty bad when there's a war on, and ya boys an' girls are shootin' holes in them there AlKa Eeda, them Ayrabs ya know, and here I am goin' around fillin' holes - eighteen holes. I tell ya, it makes me feel mighty bad.
And when ya bold boys and girls are fightin' in bunkers in that there desert and waterboardin' them tourists, I mean terrorists, and I'm just clearin' water traps an' bunkers on the course, it makes me kinda sad, ya understan'.
So after we had ta invade Eye-rack because of those Dubya Em Dees that there Sodom Hoosein had - only he never haddem in the first place, so we never found them, how sneaky do you think the bastid was? It was right to hang him. Anyway - I thought an' thought and I gave up golf.
Of course I didn't give up cyclin' or takin' long vacations, I need to keep my head clear to take care of this here nation's security- and I need my cyclin', besides golf was never my game anyway.
So while my old friend Dick was shootin' birds an' taking a few potshots at his partner just to keep his hand in, I've been staying sharp and eager to defend freedom, ya know, boys and girls. And don't worry, when your Humvee's blown from under you by them ragheads, remember I'm sufferin' along with you.
You go fill your graves, but I can't even hit a hole in one any more.
Your Prez
 | Message | May 11, '08 9:04 AM
for everyone |
 It hung in the eternal darkness, alone.
It was clothed in the darkness, cloaked by it, and so little light fell on it that it was quite literally invisible. |
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